bitsandpieces

My mother has decided that our house should be renovated. It has been a year since she decided on that and finally it has come down to today. We are packing our bags, putting every memory into huge boxes. Going through all the stuff you have accumulated over time, you cannot help but reminiscence each piece of artifact. I read through my diary… I laughed at how many boys I fell in love with and how many fell for me. I laughed at each time I got my heart broken and how I managed to go through it, still intact and whole. There’s also those cards which I received when I was discouraged, sad or when I have a breakthrough..

This year is coming to an end, I really hope that it would end as good as it started.

Going to NY was a dream come true, it is truly the city of the world – you can find almost every nationality in just that city alone. The crowd was international, the people were of all different shades. It was memorable, because we make it be. Hoa Tien was together with me on this trip, we went to almost 3 museums and visited all the major tourist spots in NY. Within 4 days, we covered more than we expected.

The NY skyline! From the Statue of Liberty Island. The sky was so clear and the sun was shinning! It was so good!

We bought Godiva Chocolates! It tasted amazing. Bought some for her family and also for my own family. Wanted to send some to my BF but I couldn’t because I knew that it would have melted by the time it reached Lansing. So …. I ate it! =P

The Empire State Building where King Kong left its marks. We were there on the 102nd floor, looking down to the NY skyline. Sky scrappers lined up, close together like decks of cards. Betcha that when an earth quake strikes, the buildings will dominos all the way from Manhattan to Brooklyn and back to the Bronx. Its not surprising why they would have many Armageddon movies based there – its the design for epic disaster!

Another reason why NY is the best city in the world for films., is their roads. They have the best paved roads, seriously. No taxi can travel at that speed and intensity without having smooth roads like those. When you are on a NY cab, you feel like you could fly. There seems no friction with the ground and sometimes you are really in the air.  Their roads are pretty easy to navigate on, because they follow a grid system. With the grid system, each lane is numbered systematically. But the grid system can be annoying when you make a wrong turn, it means you have to make a very big round just to get around and back to where you wanted to turn.

 

 

Dear God,
As my roommate is asleep right now and its not most convenient to pray aloud in these wooden rooms. Here is my prayer, as I read your word today Matthew 5. As you know, I seem to have lost my saltiness as a Christian. Your word speaks to me…and I pray and ask you to mold me into a stronger Christian for you. A person that has not lost her Saltiness. In my opinion, saltiness  is the ability to make people interested in You. Lord, teach me how to without becoming a person that they would shun. Instead give me the ability to attract people to you and myself. I want to shine for you Lord. Please help me. Let my journey with you not end, for I know and believe that you have much in stored for me. Speak to me once again… As I spend time to fellowship with you and think about you, obey your word.

(P.s I enjoy the fact that I could just insert extra text here even after writing the ending!) I pray for tmr course selection, I want to be able to take environmental economics, environmental policy-the topics which I am more interested in… Help me to make strong connections with the people I meet and leave a good lasting impression. Thank you for helping me get the best telephone plan ever! I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. (: I can make calls to my family anytime and resources that I need.Praise you! (:

Thank you Lord, I pray all this in Jesus name!

“What do you really want in your life?”, he asked. “All I really want now… is you.” I answered.

Could my desires be so wrong. All I want is to be with him, to be close to him. Even knowing that he can never reciprocate since he is in love with another girl. The girl which waits at his home every single day, watching DVD’s, sitting there like a pretty doll, greets him sweetly as he comes through the door. I wish I was that girl, instead of being the girl that comes over at night sneakily stealing kisses from his lips, go for breakfast in the morning and lie together in the car waiting for work to start. I should put a stop to this, “romantic affair”. I should say good bye and not ever see it again. But what makes me keep coming back for more?

When I reflect upon my actions and behavior. I should not wonder why men would not go for someone like me in the long run. I am too easy. I should not be like this. Being friends with Richard would be possible if I just keep a distance, if I do not try to get too crazy. I know that he likes Jenny and I should just stay out of the picture. I should just keep my hands and lips to myself. I should just wait and believe in God so Almighty to lead me to the right one.

When my heart is set ablaze by your touch. All my senses are a flurry. I have no mind to think of what consequences would this feelings cost. I only know that what I need is you here and right now. Who knew that this match was possible, a young boy and a mature adult. I thought I was mature but the older I grow the curiouser I become of what the world is truly frame up with. In fact, the more I grow up, the world is not framed up by what my parents or what the bible have taught me but instead of what we perceive (Unfortunately, very flawed by imperfections since it is human philosophy which are driven by needs and egos).

 

 

When you walk on the street, every individual you pass is on some pursuit of happiness. Some find happiness in money, some in achievement and most in love. I am one of them. I am a hopeless romantic (in nice words, sometimes I think i’m quite pervertic. Something I am not proud of. Its still a fight between my morals.).

Being away from home gives you an opportunity to start everything a new. To be a whole new person, to experience new things. Very often, people change dramatically when they enter into a whole new place. This could be a result of adaptation or withdrawal. But in each person’s heart… The desire to obtain happiness is real.

I want to be happy. I want to see my family and friends happy. I want to see God happy. There are so many people to please. But on this pursuit of happiness… Are there any rules which one must follow? Or a road map for which we can follow? Is there a compass that we can have to show us the direction to go? If all these things were given, the pursuit of happiness would not be so bumpy.

These questions. I will answer slowly. I may know some answers, but not all at the moment. But its not a mystery, as I was once happy.

Good night world.

Well, by now.. Richard is a thing of the past. A friendship that was ended abruptly due to unforseen circumstances. I know that he would always have his door open for me and I am grateful. But I do not see myself walking into that door of despair and dependency in the near future. I believe that I can breakaway from the cycle of defeat.

I could say that my wings have harden now.. I can start trying to fly. Fledgling success is dependent on my ability to create new connections, especially with God’s people and also the church. Also creating new connections with myself and wisdom. Hoa Tien shared something so powerful with me yesterday, to be selfish sometimes is to love yourself (then it also leads to me realizing too that to love yourself more you learn how to love others more too)… Nobody has ever taught me that I need to be selfish sometimes. I need to consider the consequences of my actions and also the benefits from it. I cannot be so giving to the extent that I do not get anything back in return.

Although, it is true that when we give we should not expect anything back. However, if we do not expect anything back, what is the basis of the relationship? Isn’t it suppose to be two way. God…. If you are reading this message, I will apply this principle with you. I believe that you are my God and the most loving and caring God on earth. I believe that when I sow, I WILL reap. In good time and season. Lord, hear this prayer in my heart to be wiser person and Lord I know you do hear.. As you have sent me so many angels to protect and love me in my life. God help me to breakthrough in church, that barrier of isolation that I keep feelings, lead me to new grounds.

God is my pillar and strength. The kings in the bible did not gain favor just by being nice. They were selfish towards their love for God, when they loved God… They were selfish. They only wanted Him. There is a place for selfishness in one’s life. If you do not fight for what you want and just keep giving without any faith (expectations) you will never gain anything.  You have to fight for yourself sometimes… Be strong carol!

“Watch out for people who have a situational value system, who can turn the charm on and off depending on the status of the person they are interacting with…Be especially wary of those who are rude to people perceived to be in subordinate roles.” (Bill Swanson, former CEO Raytheon)

I just got into and out of a relationship within 24hours. The person was my best friend, Richard. We have been friends for slightly over a year and a half. During that one and a half years, he had a girl friend . Their long distance relationship was sustained through daily skype conversations and also emails. He was faithful, careful and respectful towards her. Always considering her feelings even when she is not physically around him. He was the perfect boyfriend.

The role I played during this short period of time, was the best friend that anybody could have. We had parties together with some other friends frequently and our group seems to expand even more every month. During this time, there was no jealousy, no comparisons and no romantic feelings involved. The long distance relationship that Richard had with his girlfriend kept everything in balance. Kept my feelings for him at bay too. All of a sudden, Richard became unstable.. His feelings for his girl friend started to waver as like how waves break down solid walls, Richard’s defense was wearing out. He started to have feelings for other girls and I again was his confidante. I knew everything about him, I know how he thought and what a horrible person he can be sometimes. He can be so heartless. But even so… I admired him from far. I lust for him from far. I wanted him to want me.

The day came where he broke up with his girl friend at 4am in the morning through skype. Everyone was in schock, not me. I knew this day would come. At that point of time, I decided in my heart to stay further away from him. Because I knew if I get too close, I might do something that I would regret. A twist of events occurred that caused me to feel depressed. I felt so lousy and low that I was crying myself to sleep.I decided to put that on facebook and being Richard, he called me up to check up on me.

He came over to pick me up to go over to his place. Where we played with bubbles and at the playground to cheer me up. Afterwhich, Richard and I cuddled. One thing lead to another… Soon we were tight in each others arms both unwilling to let go of each other. I wished at time could have just stop. It was such a sweet moment. Due to the lack of transportation… I had to stay over for another night at his place which I should not have. I SHOULD NOT HAVE! It was that night, when the hugs became passionate. When the kisses could not stop. When the hands went to sacred places. It was that night, that we started to think of the possibility of being together. Being a couple. It felt so right. It felt so good. We decided… we’re going to try for it.

In the morning… when we woke up, everything was still okay. Until we went to school, when Richard decided to back out. He decided to BACK out of his promise in less than 24 hours. I was shocked. My heart was broken. I felt like a rag doll being flung to one corner after play. I was left out in the cold. He continued his usual self after I left… Looking at another girl that he liked. Lusting for her.

I tried to keep my mind off things.. I decided to travel despite the coming exams. I needed to get away. I tortured him, not picking up his calls, not answering his smses. I tortured him. By the time I came back, he wanted to get back together with me, at least part of him wanted to try again. I decided to trust him this time round again. My stupidity got the better of me. History repeated and I was left to fend for myself.Here… Writing this journal entry. I am brokenhearted, shivering with sadness and also anger. I blame myself for not being strong enough to resist temptation. Flee from temptation the bible says! FLEE! I should have listened… Right now. I have lost both a friend and a boy friend. I am defeated by my own folly.

Nothing… really matters… anymore…

I just want to finish my exams right now and go back home (my real home). I just want to find love again.Why do these things keep happening to me, why do I keep losing to other girls… why do I like men who play with my feelings.

Today, I wrestle with my mind. The issue of expression or the lack of it. This has continually been a pain in my life, the gap that separates me from higher intelligence. Often, I have read up on news and am aware of the situation but am never able to express or reiterate what I really feel or mean. Often, I have stood on the edge of understanding and stare down that dark pit and then look across the valley where all my friends are enjoying the mutual understanding. I feel isolated, detached from the world.

I used to be a child. I want to be a child. To feel my eyes with wonder and senses all awaken, alert and receptive. To not be afraid to jump and to believe that perhaps that valley is just an illusion, that i could use my imagination to pull these two things together; classes and knowledge.

The lack of expression, is a struggle faced by many. Very often, in poor countries… some girls are sold to brothels… have no way to express their pain. Some die… because of the lack of expression. Expression releases us. The ability to express is way more valuable than gold or silver.

The communist, the poor, the artist.. they are oppressed often… yet with the fewest words, they bring you into their world. How have I brought anyone into my world? What is the world that I have created within me?

Dear blog,
just two weeks ago, I was still the acne faced, normal university student minding my own business and looking at eye candy from far. One very particular eye candy that I pay much attention to is Meysam. He is 24 years old, tall, buff and handsome man. The first time I met him was a year ago during orientation bash at Port Dickson, KL. He was my team mate. At that time, he was more buff then he is right now. But still very handsome. After that encounter, I rarely bump into him in university. Afterall, he is an IT student. But today, a year after the orientation bash by the chance of fate that we bump into each other during one of my classes. He was the class beside me.

We exchanged looks and said hi and managed to talk a little.. After which, a quick exchange of number. Things started to warm up, as I added him onto facebook we chatted for hours. But all these times were set up by chance. It was again chance that he was online when I started chatting with him about my day and how shy I can be when I meet him. That was the day he confessed to me and asked me to be his girl friend. I thought I was dreaming. I thought, this must be some kind of joke. But he was serious, or maybe a bit serious. As I warn him how tough the interview is going to be before he can be my bf. He gladly took on the challenge.

2 weeks of wrecking my head. 2 weeks of vexing. Should i accept my eye candy. OF ALL PEOPLE! IT WAS MY EYE CANDY! Nothing but a dream come true. But I was weary of him. I was afraid of him, more than I was attracted to him. He didnt make me smile all the time. He just looked so good. I felt like such a hypocrite, luring him on one end while pushing him away at another. Was it all this mind hurting turmoil a consequence of my nationality or my religion or the way I was conditioned. One side of me wanted to break through all those pre-conceived thoughts, ideas and perspective. Another side, keeps reminding me of the wisdom of the history, the bible and safety in multitude of elders. The latter won. I rejected Meysam and told him I just wanted to be friends.

He was Iranian. I was a Christian and a Singaporean. I can never imagine myself living in Iran or him having 4 wives. I can never imagine how life would be with a hairy man like him. hehe.. But I still want to find out more about the culture. I hope he accepts my friendship and care.

More than the enthralling experience of getting wooed by an Iranian man. It was a test of my convictions in God. I had for a few moments… decided that maybe I could do it on my own, maybe I should go ahead with what I think is cool… in that few moments I have disappointed God. I stopped trusting Him. Going to church today made me realize that. My character is shaped by the decisions like this daily. If I made the decision to have followed my own voice… I probably would have ended up with Meysam. But, I have made the decision in faith knowing that it was in God that I trusted my future with. That my priority is to study at the moment and I know that God has prepared someone good for me. I have faith in God. He is good! This decision, has brought so much peace in my heart. Thank God for the experience!